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Stephen Licciardello: Well, Sharlene, today we are on episode 2 of midlife crisis.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. And in our previous episode, we explored what a midlife crisis is, what leads to it, the signs to watch for, and how it affects men and women differently. You know, today, in the second part of our series, we will actually focus on how a midlife crisis can impact marriages, ways to navigate this challenging time together, and actually steps to avoid or mitigate its effects. And, you

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Stephen Licciardello: know, midlife crisis is experienced individually, but its impacts, do ripple effect into a person's marriage. And so we really want to have a look at the impact of a marriage, it has on a marriage, but also what are some ways you can navigate that as well. So, Sharlene, how does a midlife crisis affect a marriage?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Wow. You know, like, a midlife crisis can actually significantly strain marriages, creating tension, conflict, and emotional disconnect. There's some key effects that actually include emotional distance, increased conflict, infidelity, changes in priorities, and potential for divorce.

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Stephen Licciardello: So should we, have a look at a few of these and see how they actually affect so one of them is the emotional distance which you manage. And I think that's when one partner may become emotionally distant or preoccupied with their own struggles and disconnect from the relationship. So there is that isolation as such that can occur and also the withdrawing. And though sometimes that is normal, you know, and we explored that last, episode part 1, that men usually do retreat in times of distress, and women like to speak about it. But in a midlife crisis, you tend to see both retreating.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. And I often, like, think that somewhat retreating can often come down to them having a misconception about the other person, like, in the marriage, thinking that they might not understand what they're going through. And they have this, like, false belief that they won't understand, so I could not say anything.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. And increased conflict as a result of this. So the stress and anxiety and we and we spoke about why midlife crisis last week. Like, we spoke spoke last episode. We spoke about, you know, there's the change of life. There's a change of goals. There are hormonal imbalances going ahead.

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Stephen Licciardello: There's also the realization is, like, oh, my gosh. I gotta do this for another 20, 30 years. Or there's the empty nester. So there's a lot of increased internal conflict at that time as well, which then manifests itself as an external conflict. So yeah, it can lead to definitely increased conflict in a marriage. And the whole thing is, like, why aren't you telling me what's going on? You know? Is it me? Or is it, you know No. And all that.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. And I guess, you know, sometimes, like, when it comes to infidelity, a lot of it will probably come from the person going to this midlife crisis, you know, thinking that again, coming back to feeling that they're not gonna be understood and therefore not opening up. So they're gonna seek the understanding outside to anyone who's going to show that attention or look like they're going to, understand.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And usually, when affairs occur during a midlife crisis, it can actually be, 2 things. It can be, 1, that you're looking for that affirmation or that, you know, to boost your confidence outside of the marriage. Or 2, it could just be the thrill because you miss that excitement in life. Yeah. So it actually, is 2 ways. And 1 can be an actual physical affair, but also there can be that emotional side of infidelity as well. Then there's the changes in priorities.

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Stephen Licciardello: So a partner in crisis might, may prioritize their own exploration of careers, leaving the relationships, the feeling of neglect. So they're like trying to piece this all together. Like, what is actually going in? And so their priorities shift, and the us becomes about the me.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right. And it's no longer that team atmosphere. So it's just like, oh, okay. Now it's just about me trying to navigate how I'm feeling. What's going on with me? Like, I don't understand what's going on for myself. How can I expect someone else to understand it? And then they start to try and find out the things on their own rather than trying to work as a team to try and get this sorted.

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Stephen Licciardello: And we see that it can lead to a divorce or separation.

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Sharlene Licciardello: So

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Stephen Licciardello: And that's due to the strain of the midlife crisis, which can lead to the divorce if the issues are, one, recognized and addressed. You know? Like, really looking at what are the issues here? Why am I feeling this way? Or why is my partner feeling this way? How can I support them? So I think understanding these effects is really crucial in navigating a midlife crisis within a marriage. And both partners need to communicate openly and seek understanding of each other's needs during this time. Because, usually, when the other person is retreating due to a midlife crisis, human nature is we always make it about us.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Mhmm. You know? Yeah. Yeah. You know, look at and it comes down to not necessarily expecting the other person to understand you, but communication is still key. Regardless of whether they are going to understand what you're going through, they still need to know what is happening. You know what I mean? Like, you know, you might not know, but let them know that there's something going on. You've got an internal turmoil and seek marriage counseling. You seek counseling together.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Seek some kind of therapy that you can both go to and get a grounded and objectional point of view.

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Stephen Licciardello: Mhmm. I think in my experience, and we'll talk about this a bit later, marriage counseling needs the both partners need to be open.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

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Stephen Licciardello: Because if and I've seen this in the past where people go to marriage counseling to try to show up the other person and how they're so wrong in their behavior or what they're feeling rather than exploring what could actually work for both of them or how can they both be a cause of what's happening?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. But, I mean, in in the same situation, I mean, if you got a really good therapist, that can also turn around. You know? And that person that's just going there just to show the other person up. The great questions, they're gonna be able to be turned around and, like, give the other person a chance to actually talk as well. So, hopefully, you can find someone who's a good marriage therapist out there.

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Stephen Licciardello: I think, if we look at the context of the issues that present themselves, like all those issues, and marriage counseling, and being open to that, I think Ephesians 4:2:3 really hits the nail on the head. And it says, be completely humble and gentle. Be patient bearing with with one another in love, and make every effort to keep unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. And I think, you know, humble and gentle and patient. Yeah. Like, they're and bury with one another in love. And, you know, it goes down to, you know, if we've been redeemed is actually during this time seeing that person through the cross, not through their actions. And that is easier said than done sometimes.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That doesn't mean it's impossible.

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Stephen Licciardello: That doesn't mean it's impossible. So I think one of the keys in this area is really keep the lines of communication open, you know, to prevent the emotional distance with each other. And, you know, as you said, seek counseling together.

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Sharlene Licciardello: You know, the bible verse that, from 1 Peter 4:3 says that, above all, love each other deeply because love covers over a multitude of sins. And that's not saying you're covering over someone's sins. It means it actually covers like, it actually helps you to stop sitting in those other areas. Because if you love someone, you're not gonna do something bad to them. Mhmm. If you truly love someone, you're not gonna do you know, syndicate them or do anything that will harm them or harm the relationship.

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Stephen Licciardello: And I think too, it's not about retribution.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yes.

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Stephen Licciardello: It's about restoration in the marriage. Yes. And and I think sometimes when people go through midlife crisis, you know, again, it's going back to you're doing this to me or to us. And rather than, restoration, we take the retribution avenue.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

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Stephen Licciardello: They both start with ours, but they're totally Yep. Totally different. And and and I think Get reconciliation mode. Yeah. Yeah. So let's look at the next theme is how navigating the midlife crisis in marriage. So how can we do that? And I think couples can navigate the challenge of a midlife crisis through a couple of really healthy strategies. And the first one is communication.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah.

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Sharlene Licciardello: And open communication. Like, what communication is one thing, but having an open communication where you're actually genuinely interested to hear what the other person has to say, rather than just try to listen to have your chance to say something.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And I think you need there needs to be honest communication, and that's essential for understanding each other's feelings.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know? Like and it's the way we say it as well. You know? Like, if I come to you and say, well, this is how you make me feel. Okay? Well Yeah. Exactly. Those walls are are straight up. But if I come to you and say, hey. I I just need to get something off my chest, and, you know, I could totally be wrong, and this is totally my interpretation of what's happening. But this is how I'm feeling.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know? It's basically saying, you know, this is what I'm feeling. This is the actions that have made me feel this way. Is this what you meant?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. So rather than blaming someone, you're using I statements. Right? Or even the new statements.

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Stephen Licciardello: Absolutely. The other one is support and understanding. You know? Like, if your partner is going through amid what you think is a midlife crisis, and if you can't see the, because in this episode, we're just going straight deep dive into solutions and and strategies. But if you're not sure of what a midlife crisis, then we ask you know, go back and listen to part 1 because it really identifies what the what the signs of the midlife crisis. But offering empathy, support rather than judgment can also help the partner through their crisis. You know? And, again, if it is the lack of validation, if it is the lack of validation or it's the lack of attention, then, you know, rather than judging them and saying, what do you mean? You know, I do this and this for you, and, you know, I clean or cook and blah blah blah blah blah. You know, just say something like, wow, I didn't realize you were feeling that way. Help me to help you.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know?

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Sharlene Licciardello: How can I support you through that?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. How can I support you? Help me to understand what you need during this time and help me be able to provide that for you.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know? Rather than playing a guessing game, because, you know, it's just gonna end up in disaster.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. True.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. You know, like, a key component to this is, you know, as we mentioned before, seeking counseling together. Marriage counseling can actually strengthen the relationship by addressing underlying issues and improving communication because you have someone else there to help with the questions, directing the questions in a way that will allow both of you to express what's what you're feeling, what's going on in the relationship, and how to support each other through this.

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Stephen Licciardello: And my advice is, you know, like I don't know. Maybe you can you can explain this more, but my advice, and this is something that I've learned through the years, is never ask people that are close to you for advice, marriage for marriage counseling because the advice can be biased

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

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Stephen Licciardello: Rather than unbiased.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

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Stephen Licciardello: And and then it just causes conflict within the friendship or conflict within the relationship where you're siding with them and and you're siding with them. And and I think it it just leads to more heartache and more broken relationships. So my advice is if you wanna seek someone, like, it doesn't have to be a trained counselor, but, obviously, they have the tools or a marriage coach or something like that. They have the tools. You know? They have the experience, but someone that he's not biased to the relationship.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know? What do what's your opinion on that?

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Sharlene Licciardello: I think it's so important as well. I mean, like, even though you might go to, like, a trained, therapist, you wanna make sure that that person doesn't have any of their own agendas. Like, you know, if they're pro female or pro male, and they're just, like, like, tend to take sides, you know, in one way or the other. If you need to have someone who's gonna be grounded, to be able to have an objective view, and to be able to help both of you, not just one side.

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Stephen Licciardello: That's a good point, actually. Yeah. So really, interview the counselor first. Interview the life coach. You know? You know, sometimes we go to we make a phone call and and we get the whole sales spill rather than saying, are you a actual fit for me? You know? And I think that's really important. The other thing is find ways to rekindle the relationship. You know? Is it spending time together, enjoying activities together that can rebuild connection and intimacy? You know, for instance, we once you do our vision weekend where we look at, you know, what does this year look like? What does, you know, and we just spend time working on the relationship. You know?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Values together. Right?

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Stephen Licciardello: Realigning our values. You know? It could be just, you know

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Sharlene Licciardello: Dreaming itself together. Dreaming together.

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Stephen Licciardello: Dream yeah.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Getting an idea. Like, what would you like to achieve? What what things you'd like to do together?

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Stephen Licciardello: It could be going to the movies. Yeah. It could be going to the theaters. It could be going for a dinner to out together. You know? A date night. You know? So do things that actually invest in and rekindle the intimacy between the couple. And when we say intimacy, we're not talking about sex. We're actually talking about that emotional intimacy, which is And

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Sharlene Licciardello: then honest and vulnerable, communication with each other. Yeah. And be patient. Be patient. Regularly in that middle life crisis is often temporary. It can help partners remain patient and supportive during difficult times. I can say that we're all human. Right?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

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Sharlene Licciardello: We're all prone to our, like, our idiosyncrasies and our things that make us different.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. It just reminds me, last week, I had, I was talking to someone. Right? And you just reminded me. And and basically, we were just, smashing the theory of work life balance in a 24 hour period because I think it's one of the biggest Misconceptions? Misconceptions. I was gonna use a much brighter word. It's one of the biggest misconceptions. And and, you know, like, I think you need to look at work life balance as seasons. You know, seasons of work, seasons of relaxation.

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Stephen Licciardello: Don't look at it. And I think the whole, you know, 8 hours working, 4 hours family, 2 hours exercise, this, this, this can actually cause anxiety.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. But if

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Stephen Licciardello: we look at it, there's gonna be times where you're gonna be out of balance because you're doing your side hustle. You're doing what you you love best. And that's the same with emotions sometimes and also midlife crisis. It's seasonal. Yeah. You know? Things are seasonal, and they don't the seasons of life do not define us. They build us, and they build our character.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yep. So true. Yeah. By working together, as couples, you can not only survive a midlife crisis, but actually merge a bit stronger and more connected. And that would be really awesome, right, just to be able to take something that could just, like, completely destroy the marriage and turn it around and make it more stronger and more with more connection in there.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And I think what we need to do during this time is remember that love is the bond that holds a relationship together. Even through the challenges of a midlife crisis, remember the love. Remember the vision. Remember the purpose. Remember that why you are together in the first place, you know, and cultivate that, you know, cultivate the love. And I think, you know, in Colossians 314, it says, and all and overall, these virtues put on love which binds them all together in perfect unity. And I think, you know, it's so important to invest in the love and remind and and learning about, you know, your love your partner's love language during these times, learning about what's actually gonna make them feel valid.

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Stephen Licciardello: And, you know, we've done a whole episode on living the love languages, and we interviewed a guest on that. And, you know, figuring out what is their love language and really investing time in that is so important.

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Sharlene Licciardello: And, yeah, we're not talking about, you know, the romantic, you know, butterflies in your stomach. And great if it's there, you know, like, great if you've had that. Sometimes it's good to come back to you, why did I have those feelings in the 1st place? Yeah. What what was it that attracted me to this person in the 1st place? And then take that and make that a commitment to love that person.

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Stephen Licciardello: So I think the key takeaways is focus on empathy.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, approach your struggles, approach your partner's struggle with, empathy, with understanding, and also invest in the relationship.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Make it intentional. It's about making time for shared activities that strengthen your bond, whether it's a project, whether it's a hobby, whether it's something that you wanna do together. Find something that, like, makes you both tick when you think about it.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know what? I think you used a keyword, intentional. Yes. You know, I think a lot of activities that relate a couples do, especially, you know, when they've been married for quite a few years like, you look at us, we've been married for 24 years now. What, 25 next year? Yeah. And, you know, intentionality is more important than accidentality. That's a word. Because And chance. Happen by chance.

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Stephen Licciardello: Because no relationship will ever work by chance.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

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Stephen Licciardello: There has to be an intentional commitment.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Good luck. It's actual intentional commitments, intentional, decisions and choices that you act on daily. So like you said before, you know, the decision is made once at Atedon daily.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yep.

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Sharlene Licciardello: So, you know, in Romans 12:10, it says that, be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

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Stephen Licciardello: And I think that's key. Right? Yeah. I think the key is well, first of all, you cannot love someone if you don't have self love. Okay? And, you know, if you don't have self love, then there needs to be a healing in that process to see what are the actual underneath causes of this. Right? And then from the love that I have, then I honor you and put you above my needs. And what I say and a lot of people misinterpret that and actually neglect themselves to serve others. Yes. And you can only serve from a full cup.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

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Stephen Licciardello: So make sure your cup is full so that you can pour out. Yeah. And so my role as a husband is, 1, to fill my cup so that I can fill your cup, but then your role is as your cup is being filled to fill my cup. So it's a constant renewal and pouring. That's okay. And it's like similar to the episode we did a couple of weeks ago about intentional, living and giving. It's that intentional filling and pouring. You know? See it as a river flowing.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. I think, you you know, you mentioned just before about how people quite often misunderstand that. And it actually, you know, Jesus himself said that, you know, love one another, love your neighbor as you love yourself. That very key word, as you love yourself, it means it was intended for us to love ourselves. It's it's just a given that was it. Like, people usually supposed to have the self love for themselves. Right? That's why we need to be able to love our neighbors. We love ourselves.

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Sharlene Licciardello: But people forget that part. Right? And they think, oh, just love your neighbor and forget about, you know, don't worry about yourself. But it's intentional as opposed to already have that love. How can we love someone if we don't have the love for ourselves?

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Stephen Licciardello: Absolutely. So, Sharlene, how does a midlife crisis actually affect a couple's sex life?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Okay. That's a really good topic. You know, often, a left life crisis can impact on a couple sex life, which can be affected in several ways. And one of those is decreased libido. It can really take a, you know I was gonna say I was gonna sue so weird. Like, take a pounding. Like, go on stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil, which can lead to decreased interest in sex. You know, hormonal changes particularly in women, such as menopause, can actually further reduce sexual desire.

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Sharlene Licciardello: So they're like, oh, no. Not really into it tonight. You know?

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Stephen Licciardello: So, you know and that affects men as well because men are going through hormonal changes in their forties as well. You know? There's decrease in in testosterone production. So it can be like but stress and anxiety and also trying to figure this stuff out in your head can also, you know, consume a lot of energy. So therefore, your libido is is decreased as well. Then there's the emotional disconnect. So the emotional distance created by the midlife crisis may lead to the reduced intimacy or making physical affection feel strained, forced. Mhmm. Like, I I'm not really there emotionally.

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Stephen Licciardello: I'm not really there in my head.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. It's a robot, basically. Yep. Then there's body image issues. You know, how many people have that? Right? Both men and women may struggle with body image issues during midlife, crisis. Feeling less attractive or self conscious about aging, which can reduce the sexual confidence, or they'll look for it outside because they wanna make themselves feel, you know, like they used to before. But in reality, it's it's not gonna help.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And again, another one is now we're not saying in all cases of midlife crisis, people are gonna be, unfaithful, you know, but in some cases, individuals may seek the validation or excitement outside the marriage, leading to infidelity, which can deeply impact the couple's sexual connection. And infidelity, again, could be either physical or emotional as well. Correct.

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Sharlene Licciardello: You know, there's, changes in sexual preferences. In a midlife crisis, it may prompt one partner to explore new sexual interests or fantasies, which can either invigorate life and communicate it openly Yeah. Or cause discomfort and tension if there's a mismatch in these desires. Right?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And I think, too, like, we'll we'll look at how we can address these, but I think, too, there's nothing wrong with exploring each other's sex life like, exploring your sex life and and, you know, what you like and what your partner likes and what they don't like and their boundaries and things like that, but it needs to be communicated, not assumed.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's right. And, also, it doesn't mean just because you're talking about these things that you're not still gonna go and do it tomorrow or, you know, like, do it the next day or whatever. You know? It just means that it allows that person to express who they are, like, what's happening on the inside, and to be able to, like, look at it from a different angle. They might have a new perspective when they're able to talk about it.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And I think what we need to do is actually address these issues openly, compassionately, to maintain a healthy sex life during a a midlife crisis. So open communication and mutual understanding can really help couples navigate these challenges or the changes together. You know, like, there are gonna be hormonal changes. There are gonna be physical changes, and there are gonna be changes to likes and dislikes. That's just part of life.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. You know, in 1 Corinthians 7, 3, it says, the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise a wife to her husband. So it's not just one way. It's both of them coming together and submitting to each other, submitting to that marriage.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And and and, you know, in this context, you know, yes, it's talking about a healthy and fulfilling marital relationship, but it's also talking about the sexual aspect of the relationship as well. So I think some, takeaways is communicate openly. You know? Talk about your sexual needs, concerns, and the desires with your partner. You know? I think we spend so much time talking about, like, you know, it really fascinates me if you look at the Christian perspective. Right? There are so many books on, you know, communication, marriage, relationship, you know, premarital sex, things like that. There's hardly anything on how to have a good sex life as a a couple.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Do you know

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Stephen Licciardello: what I mean? Like, there's hardly anything. You know? It's really hard to find, and and so I think, you know, like, be explorative. And we're gonna talk more about this in a moment, but rebuild the emotional intimacy by strengthening your emotional connection can improve that physical intimacy as well. And, you know, I think the verse that says, let the husband render to his wife the affection due to her, and likewise, it's also the wife to her husband. Again, it's talking about the emotional intimacy as well as the physical intimacy. And I think a lot of times, we forget that, you know, sex actually doesn't start in the bedroom. It starts

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Sharlene Licciardello: In the kitchen.

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Stephen Licciardello: In the kitchen. And I'm sure there's a book about that. There's yeah. You know? So it's that emotional connection as well. It's that emotional

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Sharlene Licciardello: I guess it comes down to learning the other person's love language. Right? And that's where it starts.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. So let's look at what couples can do to actually address the sexual issues during a midlife crisis. And I think, first of all, couples need to invest in their sex life. Now when I say invest in their sex life, I don't mean just the physical act. Okay? Yeah. I mean, have open communication, talk about it, you know, learn what does your partner like. Yeah.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Don't expect the other person to read your mind.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Like, learn about your partner's needs. You know, learn about and, you know, usually, the best sex is when you put the other person first.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yes. Do you

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Stephen Licciardello: know what I mean? And really explore what they like. Really, you know, experiment as well. You know? So I think one of the first thing is open and honest communication. You know? And I think before we talk about this, deal with any preconceived or, hurt or past relationship expectations that you might have. You know, these things can be dwelling up as you are getting, you know, advanced in years, I guess. You know, there could be things from your past that are creeping in.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

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Stephen Licciardello: And so I think you really need to say, okay. What is it now that's actually affecting our sex life?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

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Stephen Licciardello: Okay? And stop the compare Comparatous? Comparatous. You know? Like, your girls were a middle life crisis here. Stop comparing. You know? You know, water the garden where you're at.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Water ain't someone else's garden.

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Stephen Licciardello: But learn to really invest time. And, again, it's about the intentionality.

[00:30:27]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Right. So, you know, like, open and honest communication really starts with, you know, thinking outside of yourself and really trying to find out, okay, what does this other person need? What does my partner need in this relationship? And not expecting them to want what you want, but listening to what they really need. Like, is there something from their past that's, like, affects them? Maybe perhaps having a safe word. You know what I mean? If they feel like they need to stop at a certain mark a moment if they're being triggered by something, and to stop for a moment, allow them to communicate what's happening, and then to look at other ways that you can explore the intimacy.

[00:31:09]

Stephen Licciardello: And it's also as you, you know, are opening your communication with your partner and you're exploring what they want, share what you want

[00:31:19]

Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

[00:31:20]

Stephen Licciardello: As well. So it's a it's a two way communication.

[00:31:23]

Sharlene Licciardello: So it's a dance, right?

[00:31:25]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. A dance.

[00:31:26]

Sharlene Licciardello: So, we wanna rebuild emotional intimacy, like, during this time. So one of the important things is to focus on the emotional connection, share 2 activities, and quality time together. This can actually enhance your physical, intimacy rather than decrease it. Right?

[00:31:42]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And also seek counseling. Like, there's couples counseling. There's therapy that may help you resolve some issues, but also improve your overall relationship, including your sex life. That's right. And I think the key is actually rediscover each other. Start exploring each other's sexual preferences, desires through new experiences can really reignite the passion and improve that intimacy. You know? Don't be afraid to explore.

[00:32:17]

Stephen Licciardello: You know? And if you're got some religious ocity, you know, be open to challenge and question what you have believed. Is it really scriptural, or is it people's opinion?

[00:32:32]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. We we wanna make sure, like, if you're going to bring, you know, your faith into it, make sure it comes from the word of god, not just other people's assumptions based on religious superstitions.

[00:32:44]

Stephen Licciardello: Because we've seen a lot of relationships damage by beliefs around sex that have nothing. And if you're really questioning, just go read the Psalm of Solomon. You know, like Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, like, just read the Song of Solomon. That'll that'll blow out any religious belief around sex as well. Mhmm. Another key is actually focus on your own health and well-being.

[00:33:10]

Stephen Licciardello: So prioritizing your physical health, exercise, diet, any stress reduction techniques, journaling. You know, journaling could you you can speak into this. Yeah. Journaling could actually be a really good thing when it comes to this. Yeah. When it comes to improve sex life. Do you wanna explain why?

[00:33:28]

Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. Because if you're if you're noticing any changes, like, as you come up every time you journal something, like, you're noticing subtle changes along the way. If you notice anything change, you can address that. Come back to it and think, okay. What do I need to address you? Like, is there something I need to do, like, deeper work with, or what is happening here? Like, obviously, something has changed through these journalings. Like, sometimes we're not always aware of these changes because we're so caught up in, like, our everyday life or do getting so busy with all the traps of life that we don't really pay full attention to things that change on a subtle basis. So having that general can have a place for you to look at those subtle changes.

[00:34:11]

Stephen Licciardello: So it's actually, prioritizing these things can actually have the a positive effect on your impact on sexual function as well.

[00:34:21]

Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

[00:34:22]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Again, patience and compassion. You know? Understand that any changes in your sex life are actually a normal part of aging. Mhmm. And allows for a compassionate and patient approach in navigating these sexual challenges. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And then, you know, researching maybe, you know, how can I do this? How or what, is there a supplement? Is there, you know, something as simple as a lubricant that can actually help in the changes of the body, changes of sexual intercourse? You

[00:35:00]

Sharlene Licciardello: know? Yeah. Yeah. One of the things that's important is that we wanna address body image concerns as well. You know, supporting each other's self confidence by openly discussing body image issues and offering reassurance can boost the sexual confidence. You know, quite often, we have views of our own body that the other partner doesn't necessarily see. You know? They're probably looking at you thinking, gosh, you're beautiful. Gosh, you're gorgeous. Right? And we're just assuming that they're thinking, oh, you're such an ugly ogre or something like that.

[00:35:31]

Sharlene Licciardello: Right? Because that that's how they feel about themselves. So stop subjecting your own inner dialogue and body image issues on other people. It doesn't mean that just because you think it's in a way about your body that someone else is feeling the same way about you.

[00:35:44]

Stephen Licciardello: Absolutely. And you know what? Let's face it, we age together.

[00:35:52]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Do you know what? Absolutely.

[00:35:54]

Stephen Licciardello: And and, you know, I think it affects everyone. Like, I see you as, you know, you're a very confident person. You're very, you're pretty secure in your own body image. Right? But after, you know, 18 cycles of IVF, you know, I don't think you gained weight, but you did feel that you gained weight. You know? And and that affected your body image. You know? And, you know, I think you maybe gained 5 kilos. You know? Like, seriously. But that was enough to affect you, and it was like me saying, Shelly, tell me, like, Take a chill pill.

[00:36:44]

Stephen Licciardello: Like, even if you gain 5 kilo, my legs still weighs more than you. Like, but do you know what I mean? It was providing that assurance, you know, and and then but it wasn't about it's what you you were uncomfortable in your own skin at that time. And so it's you know, if your partner does have body image issues, don't dismiss it.

[00:37:09]

Sharlene Licciardello: That's right.

[00:37:10]

Stephen Licciardello: Because even though it was probably just 5 kilos, you felt uncomfortable because that was 5 kilos too much for you.

[00:37:19]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. That's right.

[00:37:19]

Stephen Licciardello: You know?

[00:37:20]

Sharlene Licciardello: You've always supported me in that way. Like, you've always been, like, very open with your compliments in me, which I've always, like, you know, appreciate, like, not needed, but always appreciated. And I guess it's helped also to increase and, like, it's maintained that sort of sense of confidence too. But, you know, one of the things I know is that, you know, we can sometimes get into the trap of, you know, especially guys can see it. Like, they want to please the wife so they agree with her when she says, oh, I look fat. You know? But you guys do not agree. Okay? And you can sort of don't invalidate her, but say, I can see you're experiencing, you know, some, you know, crisis of body image here. You know, just wanna show you that I don't see that.

[00:38:04]

Sharlene Licciardello: Mhmm. But whatever you feel like you need to do to work towards something, like, changing or whatever it is you need to do, I'll support you.

[00:38:12]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And I think during, like because we're talking about sex and and relationship, I think be open to, you know, tools Yeah. To really improve your sex life and your relationship. And, you know, there's an app which we which we recommend. It's called Ultimate Intimacy. It's a Christian, app, and it has great questions. It has great, games that you can play in a couple, as a couple, and it's really a great tool to really spark your sex life. Yeah.

[00:38:48]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:38:50]

Stephen Licciardello: And, you

[00:38:50]

Sharlene Licciardello: know, okay. I think, like, I wanna just quickly come back to you, the open communication. Never assume that your partner knows what you feel about them. If you're feeling, like, a great level of love and affection towards a person, don't just assume that they still know that. Because we all go through changes in our minds, in our bodies. As things change, we see things differently. Like we said, we have that body image. Right? And sometimes if we're ashamed of that, we won't vocalize it.

[00:39:18]

Sharlene Licciardello: So if you're feeling a certain way and you wanna express that, don't be shy to do that. Just come out and say it. You know, just let them know, you know, how wonderful they are to you, how beautiful they are. Even if they turn you down, say, no. No. No. It's not true. They just keep assisting.

[00:39:32]

Sharlene Licciardello: Just keep assisting. You know what I mean? And then

[00:39:34]

Stephen Licciardello: You know, one of the when we've done, you know, marriage counseling, marriage, coaching, one of the scriptures we always refer to is Ephesians 533. And it says, however, let each one of you love his love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. And there's a really great book, and I forgot the author, and it's called Love and Respect. A wife needs to feel love. A husband needs to feel respected. Do you know what I mean? And so a simple thing is, you know, like, we have this rule in not a rule, but it's maybe a it's a principle or a mutual agreement that, Shaolin will never put me down in public or correct me in public or address me in public because that would chip away at my respect or I would undermine me. However, I make sure that I show her love or, you know, just across the room, I might just give her a smile or a wink that she knows that, you know. So it's these little subtleties that actually go a long way in a marriage as well.

[00:40:46]

Sharlene Licciardello: And we often take them for granted, though, don't we? And that that's not to say, you know, like, you know, like a guy's probably thinking, well, you know, I'll respect you. She, you know, I'll love her if she respects me more. Right? Or and the wife will probably say, no, I'll respect him when he starts loving me more, but that's not what the word says. It's just saying, love your wife as you love as as yourself, and the wife to respect your husband. Doesn't say if. There's no if, sir. Right?

[00:41:15]

Stephen Licciardello: No. There's there's no, it's not a

[00:41:21]

Sharlene Licciardello: Tip for tap.

[00:41:22]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. It's you do it either either way. And I think that that's what overcomes challenges. You know? So I think be patient and compassionate and understand that, you know, changes in sexual desires and functions are actually normal as we age, and require mutual support.

[00:41:39]

Sharlene Licciardello: Explore it. Explore together. Yeah. Explore each other. Absolutely. Explore together as well.

[00:41:44]

Stephen Licciardello: Try new activities, tools that may work. You know? Be open, but also in your openness, respect each other's boundaries, but can also realize in that the openness can actually bring excitement and closeness to the relationship. Absolutely. No? I think Matthew 196 says, so they are no longer 2, but 1 flesh. Therefore, while God has joined together, let no one separate. So I really you know, even though a midlife crisis actually puts a lot of challenges both personally and in the relationship, in, you know, your communication, in the sex life, it's about having an, like you said, intentional proactive approach and knowing that either as an individual, as a couple, you can actually navigate and transition quite successfully and maintain that open communication, seek, you know, coaching or mentoring or counseling when needed, but also focus on the mutual support of each other, but also your own self care during that time, which can really help as well.

[00:42:57]

Sharlene Licciardello: That's right. And I remember that, like, midlife crisis is actually a natural part of aging self reflection. So it doesn't have to signal the end of anything. It doesn't mean you had to go down the road of divorce or that everything's the end of

[00:43:11]

Stephen Licciardello: It's a new chapter. Right?

[00:43:11]

Sharlene Licciardello: Old. You know? It's just a new chapter. So but rather, like, it can be the experience of a new beginning, something more fulfilling, like a new chapter in life, and understanding that its causes and effects. Now understanding its causes and effects by taking positive steps, you can turn a midlife crisis into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.

[00:43:33]

Stephen Licciardello: Now just to close, you know, I think Psalm 46:1 reminds us that god is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble, and it's in those seasons. And, remember, it's just a season. Don't define your life by seasons of your life. You know? And that he can actually provide the peace and direction and actually bring healing to the relationship, bring healing to the sex life, bring restoration, not retribution.