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Sharlene Licciardello: Some of those impacts have emotional consequences such as emotional buildup and potential outburst. Think about it this way. It's a bit like a volcano. Like, if you keep suppressing those emotions all the time, Stephen it does, it doesn't go away. It just keeps building up and building up and building up. And the one person's just gonna say one small thing like, oh, hey. How was your day? And then

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Stephen Licciardello: Have you ever been told that if you think positively, you can achieve anything? Or that if you put something out there into the universe, you'll get it? Only to have it fall in a heap blaming yourself?

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Sharlene Licciardello: In

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Stephen Licciardello: See how you can achieve what you want by balancing positive thinking with practical application. Let's dive in.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Welcome to rewrite your story, the podcast where change begins with you.

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Stephen Licciardello: We're your hosts, Stephen and Sharlene.

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Sharlene Licciardello: As professional coaches and mentors trained in various modalities, we have helped and of people

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Stephen Licciardello: bridge the gap between the person they are

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Sharlene Licciardello: and the person they want to be.

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Stephen Licciardello: We bring you conversations with real people who have overcome real setbacks.

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Sharlene Licciardello: You will walk away with practical steps to find more clarity, alignment, and success in any area you want to improve.

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Stephen Licciardello: So join us and discover how you have the power to overcome, to change, and to rewrite your story.

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Sharlene Licciardello: So pick up the pen. Your new chapter starts now.

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Stephen Licciardello: Well, today, Sharlene, we're diving into an interesting topic, the dark side of toxic positivity. What do we mean by that?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Oh my gosh. There's so much behind this. It's like you see so many things out there in the social media world where people are just focusing so much on just be positive. Don't, like, worry about what's going on and just, like, avoiding the feelings that people are experiencing.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And there's so much about toxic positivity that we wanna really explore, but and and how it has been misused. Like we're seeing it misused in, as you said, social media, you know, the whole coaching arena, fake it till you make it, things like that. And though they serve a purpose or they may serve a purpose in a few individuals, we can't just box everyone with a the.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. And just put everybody in the same box altogether.

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Stephen Licciardello: And, you know, we have an experience around, you know, toxic positive. It's such a it's a bit of a tongue voice stuff. Toxic positivity and how it actually affected us and our lives and how it actually brought us off course and out of balance in so many areas of our life. And then we built up these false expectations of what we thought our life would be only to realize that that was so out of balance and was actually causing us more anxiety, more stress than the actual purpose around being positive.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely.

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Stephen Licciardello: So it can actually be a bit of a vicious cycle. Yeah.

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Sharlene Licciardello: It's almost counterintuitive. You know? Like, you're on one hand, you it's good to be positive, but then when you take it, like you said, to the extremes, it really counteracts, you know, the actual benefits of being positive.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. So I think we need to look at, first of all, what is toxic positivity, And then look at ways of actually balancing and what is the right way of being positive and actually knowing what you're gonna achieve in life. You know, there's one thing to dream and and set goals that are positive and, you know, but there's another thing to take that to an extreme when it's actually causing anxiety and damage. Damage. What is toxic positivity in the first part? So maybe you wanna share about your own experience and maybe a bit of a definition.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. The, Stephen, when I I remember when I was going through a tough patch and people just kept telling me, just stay positive. Just don't worry about, you know, what you're going through. You know? It's gonna be better. Just stay positive because that's what you need to do. Right? It just made me feel even worse. You know? It made me feel like my feelings were invalid.

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Sharlene Licciardello: You know? I would try and, like, express how I was feeling about something, and I was so no. No. You shouldn't feel that way. No. Because it's you know? You just need to be positive. And know, you just need to think this way. You just need to do that. You know? And it's like it just made me feel like, am I even heard? Am I even, like, a person?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. That's so true. And I guess for me, you know, I've used it in the context. I don't wanna say it. And, oh, this is gonna cause this is gonna cause a bit of, and at one stage we were caught up in the whole law of attraction doing, and we're not saying anything against the law of attraction, we're not saying the it's good or bad, and we're actually gonna debunk it a bit later because there is value around our thought processes and thinking positive. And, you know, we were so caught up with the law of attraction and and, gold cards and and things like that. And we still have gold cards, we still have things like that. But it came to a point where it became toxic was when we were striving in our own strength and trying to create it in our own strength, not realizing that actually force negates.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Oh my gosh. Tell me about it.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, when we force things to happen, it actually repels. You know, you look at a mother and a teenager, you know, when you say don't do the. And, yeah, they're actually gonna do that. So that's when it becomes toxic, when it actually becomes more more stress.

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Sharlene Licciardello: When we look at toxic positivities, you really over the overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state that results in the denial, minimization, and invalidation of genuine human emotional experiences. And we've seen that so many times. Don't acknowledge your feelings. Just, you know, pretend that everything's okay.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. So for instance, we had to say goodbye to our fur baby few days ago and, you know, things like, well, I hope you're not gonna get another dog. That's not actually what I need to hear right now.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Exactly helping.

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Stephen Licciardello: That's not exactly helping. You know? She's been part of my life for 15 years. You know? She's been my shadow for 15 years. It was probably one of the hardest things I had to do. And then one of the comments was, well, you can grieve today, but make sure you're okay tomorrow. Again, that's not helping me.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. That's not how grief works. Right?

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Stephen Licciardello: That's not how grief works. And and, again, it's that trying to help you not be in a place where you're not good. Or is it that people actually have a fear of not allowing people to be in a place that they're not good?

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Sharlene Licciardello: You know, Stephen, I think you actually hit the spot there, and a lot of people come from a place of, well, meaning, but is it really that they're actually just uncomfortable with those emotions? Seeing other people suffering, like, with those emotions, it it's more about their discomfort rather than, you know, wanting someone to be better. Although it's, you know, it's not that it's, like, consciously they're uncomfortable or, like, they're trying to express and discomfort. They're actually wanting to make you feel better, but they're not realizing that it's really actually about them.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, Sharlene, that's a really good point. And and I think if we look at why is it harmful when we do that to people is because by suppressing your true feelings, and it prevents dealing with the real issue at hand. So it can actually lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation. Absolutely. And if you're not allowing someone to express their emotions or express who they are when it comes to their emotion and just tell them to be positive, it's actually quite damaging because it's not validating who they are. And we're not talking about, you know, you know, yes, if someone's in that victim state where they just rehash the same thing over and over again. And they're not actually willing to do the work to get over that. Then there's a there's a place where you need to protect yourself and set boundaries.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. But we're talking about genuine response.

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Sharlene Licciardello: In that genuine moment of grief when you're initially feeling that moment and feeling those emotions, just being shut down and told to feel the opposite way is not gonna help them because you're just making them feel, like, as though their feelings don't matter, as though, you know, what they're feeling is not valid, that they're not gonna be able to get through this if they don't stop now.

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Stephen Licciardello: But I think too, you know, I love what Romans 5th, 12 15 says. It says, rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn. So I think, you know, the apostle Paul is actually saying, listen to those that are happy. Listen to those that are praising God. But also listen to those that are just having a bit of a hard time right now, and they're mourning over something. And they're not rejoicing. And, you know, like, mourning doesn't have to be death. You know? It can be your a loss of a goal.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know? It can be absolute. You're just having a crappy day, and you just wanna get it off your chest. You know? Take time to listen. But also, we're talking about a third person not validating your emotions, but are you doing that to yourself? And that's what toxic positivity is about. It's when you're not you're being that third person to yourself and suppressing what's going on.

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Sharlene Licciardello: And sometimes it can also be done out of fear of what other people will think of you. You know what I mean? You're just pretending that everything's okay because you're worried about what other people will say and you're worried that people invalidate feelings. So you're and of beating them to the process trying to hide how you feel.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And, again, I think I've quoted this before, but I love when the centurion spoke to Jesus and said, you know, I believe the help me with my unbelief. So you actually can be positive and have moments of unpositivity and say, god, like, I trust in you, but help me with my lack of trust.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Let's be real, mate.

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Stephen Licciardello: Let's be real. I think recognize the difference between a healthy positivity and a toxic positivity, and understand that it's okay sometimes not to be okay. Be real. Be who you are.

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Sharlene Licciardello: If I'm feeling, like, really sad and down, it doesn't mean I have to stay there. It doesn't mean just because I expressed how I'm feeling that I'm gonna stay down there the rest of my life, but it's not the case. Right? It's I'm just wanting to have a safe space to express how I'm feeling in the moment and sort of just have a sounding board so I can hear my own thoughts, process, and be able to move forward through that.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, I love what Susan David said. She said discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. You know, we've gotta get uncomfortable sometimes to be to be comfortable. And of my friends, when I was going through a tough time at the beginning of the year, said, god turns our messes into messages. And I thought that was so good. So, you know, like Susan Davin said, discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

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Sharlene Licciardello: It's turned out that research on the University of California, Berkeley, found that suppressing emotions could actually lead to increased stress and negative mental outcomes.

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Stephen Licciardello: Again, it's that cycle I was talking about. Was there, you know, like, we're trying to be positive. We're forcing things to happen. It negates, you know, and we're not in touch with reality. And I think you spoke about it once, Sharlene, before in another podcast that, you know, it's like a GPS. You can't go from here to where you wanna go if you're projecting the you're something else. Oh, yeah. And I think that's really important.

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Stephen Licciardello: So, Sharlene, what are some of the impacts of suppressing our emotions?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Some of those impacts have emotional consequences, such as emotional build up and potential outburst. Think about it this way. It's a bit like a volcano. Like, if you keep suppressing those emotions all the time, if it doesn't go away, it just keeps building up and building up and building up. And the and person's just gonna say one small thing like, oh, hey. How was your day? And then, bam. The just overflows and all this emotional vomit comes out on the.

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Sharlene Licciardello: And they get affected and you get affected and everybody gets affected around you. You know what I mean? Yeah. It can contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And, again, it's about us suppressing our own emotions, you know, not being in check with, hey, it just is. You know? I have good days. I have bad days. It just is. Let's not bring interpretation to them.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. Not

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Stephen Licciardello: not putting meaning to your feelings. And I think that's really important. Acknowledging feelings, but not overanalyzing our feelings.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. You know, it's surprisingly as well, Stephen. Suppressed emotions can actually manifest as physical symptoms such as headaches, muscle tension, and digestive issues.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. And, you know, I've got experience with that. I know that as soon as I'm not dealing with something, I get that tension around my neck and shoulders. Yeah. Let's talk about this because there's also an aspect of realizing how people process emotions in order for them to stay on the positive side. Yeah. You know? So for instance, with me, when I'm quite stressed or if I'm quite, you know, a state of analyzing, I retreat.

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Stephen Licciardello: And I I don't wanna talk about it. I need time to process, which is a very masculine energy type of thing, you know, like men need that space in their cave to retreat, to process, and not talk about it, but then actually come out on the other side. Whereas you, you're totally different. You'll get paper, text us.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Well, I wanna talk about it.

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Stephen Licciardello: Pencils, your coloring, or or you do wanna talk about it, which is quite good as well. So it's also respecting how people process in order to have that self love, have that awareness, and then come out of that toxic positivity into a place of real positivity. Yeah.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. And that doesn't mean just because someone usually wants to go into a cave and retreat to process things, the they're always gonna be that way. Sometimes still, there'll be times where they need to have someone to talk to and save space to express what's going on or even just process what's going on in their head, not necessarily for the person to talk to them. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Just have questions just to show what's that about for you, what's going on, and then just be able to process that. So check-in.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yes, Wellena. I just had a thought. If there's such a thing as toxic positivity, then there has to be a thing of toxic negativity. Yeah. And then staying in that negative space to the detriment of moving forward.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That's a good point.

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Stephen Licciardello: So, you know, obviously, I've just sprung that on on to you. But, you know, in your practice and and in your modalities and and as a counsellor, like, have you dealt with both ends of the spectrum with with people you've helped?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. I mean, this is about, like, coming back to reality, you know, just challenging what is actually going on there. You know, I guess it's, like, if you're looking at the positive side of things and just checking in to see, okay. What is this actually about? Is there something that needs to be addressed? You know? Let's give you some time to actually figure out why is this like, what is the need for you to feel this way, like, to be positive right now are and there when you're already dealing with something? You know, is there something the you need to deal with first? And then on the other side, the negativity side of things, thinking about how are you identifying with those emotions? What is the process going on here? Are you actually just feeling the emotions? Are you actually taking them on as a persona? Are you getting attached to that feeling? Say, for example, when you think of, you know, like you have a feeling of sadness or a feeling of anger perhaps, right, And you hear it so many peep times where people say, I'm such an angry person. Well, I'm just an angry person. That's just how I deal. That's how I roll. Right? Instead of just noticing, oh, there's that feeling of being angry about it now.

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Sharlene Licciardello: So what's that about? And then just dealing with it there and the and talking it through, they just take it on themselves and say, oh, that's just how I respond. This is how I have. It becomes part of them. They identify as that emotion rather than noticing it, acknowledging the emotion, just allowing themselves to feel it without having to necessarily act on it.

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Stephen Licciardello: That is so good. So rather than saying, I'm an angry person. I'm just a sad person. I'm this. I'm that. It's actually not labeling yourself, which again is part of the law of attraction, you know? Use your words mindfully, you know? But is it the law of attraction and is it, you know, much deeper than that as in goes back much further? It's about not putting labels on ourselves, but seeing ourselves as spiritual humans with a physical body with an experience and seeing ourselves, you know, for the for the good of who we are rather than the experiences we have. So I guess you could use the same thing, you know, as people that are, oh, but I'm just a positive person when you know there's shit happening in the inside. You know? And they're using those labels.

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Stephen Licciardello: I really like that. So what are some practical strategies that you could use to acknowledge and validate those emotions?

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Sharlene Licciardello: Well, absolutely. A lot of the times, I like to encourage the use of journaling and also just talking with a trusted friend as an outlet for expressing those feelings. And, like, when I say trusted friend, not everyone is going to be a safe person to talk to. You gotta know who your people are. The people that will hold the space for you and not try to lecture you during something that you're going through because that's not gonna be helpful.

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Stephen Licciardello: That's really good. And I I think, again, if we look at, you know, some about those that are going through difficult times or not acknowledging those difficult times, something that I take comfort is in Psalm 3418 that says, the lord is close to the brokenhearted and save those with a crushed spirit. You know, knowing the, well, honey, my hope or or my positivity comes from him and comes from what he's about to do. So I guess if we sum up everything you've just said and we've spoken about in this part, it's pressing emotions can really have some serious effects on your mental health, your body, your consequences, and it's important to find healthy ways to actually process the, but also know that with toxic positivity also comes toxic negativity as well. And so it's about not allowing the pendulum to swing to extremes, but staying on point balance with your eyes upon something for are high.

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Sharlene Licciardello: I think just before we move forward, I think with coming down to that positive at that toxic negativity, if you think about it this way, it's not so much about what you're feeling. It's about how you deal with that and what you do with those emotions that becomes either toxic or healthy. How do we process those emotions and what do we do with them? Do we blame other people around us when we're going through that? Do we take it out on others? Do we act out, and do we just behave in a way that is very unhealthy, or do we just communicate how we're feeling and process it in a calm and healthy way?

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, I just had another thought.

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Sharlene Licciardello: No. I love your thoughts.

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Stephen Licciardello: Which is off script which is off script. I just thought that's so true because in some circles of beliefs or especially in the Christian arena, there is quite a lot of talk about positivity, name and the climate, things like that. And and you just touched on something, and it reminded me of by their fruit, you're known. So if someone's all positive positive, but their fruit is not demonstrating, you know, the actual fruit of what's happening, so you're always tell by someone's actions. You know?

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Sharlene Licciardello: God.

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Stephen Licciardello: And and, you know, I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. I'm not saying not to name it and claim it. I'm not saying, you know, believe for healing or believe for miracle because absolutely, you know, faith is a substance of things hosts for the evidence of things not seen. But then make sure your fruit is in alignment with what you're saying. You know? And maybe what you need to do is go back to the root cause of and clean that up so that you can actually bear better fruit.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Brene Brown says we cannot selectively numb emotions. And when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions. How true is that?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. I love Brene Brown. She's good.

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Sharlene Licciardello: She's really good.

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Stephen Licciardello: If you haven't checked out her episode on Netflix, make sure you do. You can't feel a positive emotion if you don't experience a negative emotion. And it's like what we say in some of our episodes. You can't experience love if you haven't experienced hurt.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. You know,

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Stephen Licciardello: the go hand in hand.

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Sharlene Licciardello: And lust too.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. You

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Sharlene Licciardello: feel that great. You know, you know that you've loved someone if you had that great. You know what I mean?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. And you just triggered me showing. Oh, talk about the misuse of the law of attraction and understanding the law of attraction. Do I believe in the do we believe in the law of attraction? Yeah, we do. We believe in the principles of the law of attraction, but we believe the actually came from, you know, it's a lot of it is is actually spoken about in the Bible. And it's that biblical application that we refer to rather than naming it, packaging it, and selling it as a course. Do you you know, we're not criticizing that. Please don't get us wrong.

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Stephen Licciardello: But let's go back to the basics. So the law of attraction suggests that a positive and negative thoughts bring positive and negative experience into our life, which is absolutely true. Like if you look at an accident, you will have different interpret like if you call witnesses that witnessed an accident, each witness will have a slightly different story of that accident based on their perception of their accident. Yeah. So our thoughts actually cause feelings or emotions that then causes a manifestation in our body. Okay? So that is is basically your if you think happy thoughts, you are happy. If you think negative thoughts, then you feel negative and sad. So there's absolutely no, misinformation with that.

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Stephen Licciardello: While positive thinking can be beneficial, the law of retraction can be misused to ignore the real problem and press the negative emotions, and that's when it becomes dangerous.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

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Stephen Licciardello: It's when people are acknowledging actually what is happening and ignoring, you know, your family's falling apart, your finances are falling are, and, you know, you've just invested in a bought a new, you know, I don't know, Porsche, Lamborghini are something because you've manifested and claimed it. And and I remember really back when I was getting into the law of attraction and studying it, I was with this lady and it was back in my nursing day. She was a registered nurse working in the aged care facility that I was an educator at. She was talking about her new car, and she had a modeling business, and she was a model. And I just remember a glimpse of it. I actually don't remember fully. But I remember she's going, oh, yeah. I'm a real believer in the law of attraction and showing me her brand new are, and then to find out that she was, you know, had a loan and couldn't make the repayments.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Passage manifested of

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Stephen Licciardello: The of debt. Are we using the law of attraction to actually keep up with the Joneses? That's that's dangerous.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. That is so dangerous because, you know, you're putting yourself in a really hard situation, and it's not very easy.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know? Yeah. And that's not what the law of attraction is about. So we have Farfetch claims that simply thinking positive can cure, you know, things, can attract wealth, can solve your most complex problems, can bring back a wayward child when maybe just showing them a bit of love. And I'm not, you know, I'm we are not parents, disclaimer, we probably don't know what we're talking about are. But, you know, maybe bit of love and compassion will go a lot more way than positive thinking. And so these these claims often lead to a self blame when individuals can't achieve these outcomes. Yeah. Okay?

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Sharlene Licciardello: And they're constantly striving to make it look as though they're attracting all these good things, and they're doing all the right stuff and putting themselves in debt, in hardship.

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Stephen Licciardello: And then there's a psychological aspect of I'm not good enough because I'm using all these principles. I'm doing what the law of attraction tells me to do.

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Sharlene Licciardello: I don't have enough faith.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, I don't have enough faith. And I'm putting it out there. I'm visualizing. I'm doing my dream boards. I'm doing everything that I'm required to do that the book says or the video says or the DVD says, and I'm thinking positive. Maybe I'm not thinking positive enough. So we invest in the next course, we invest in the next retreat, we become habits and join a 247 day a week yoga retreat thinking I need to do more and more and more. And again, that's not what it is.

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Stephen Licciardello: What you actually need to do is acknowledge what's happening at a more deeper level that is actually causing this from not being fulfilled in your life Yeah. And then bringing balance back to it.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. I believe that in the that's where I honestly believe that seeking therapy can also help in those areas where you can really find that balance and find out, well, what is this some like, it creates a safe space for you to really dig deep and find out what's actually going on here and work with some strategies to help you find a more balanced approach.

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Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Absolutely. And I think, Shelley, with that, you know, if you're gonna you know, there's so many therapies you can do. You know, there's I always say the wrong word. Cognitive.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Cognitive behavioral therapy?

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Stephen Licciardello: Yes. CBT. I get it confused by CBD. You did it well. Oh, yeah. Sorry. I'm just saying sometimes I get confused. We're judgmental.

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Stephen Licciardello: So Ballad's positive thinking with realistic actions is and addressing underlying action. Underlying issues is the key to being positive positive thinking without its toxicity. So understand that positivity should complement, not replace practical solutions.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. And, you know, I think it also comes down to, you know, that comparison height as well. When you're stuck in that situation where you feel like you're constantly having to compete with someone else because someone else has got the next best thing. Right? And you say, oh, maybe the eye should be that way, right, to look as though you're manifesting all these things or you're more spiritual. You don't hurt. Like, a lot of people give it, like, in a lot of location, circles, you know, in in don't crucify us. You know, there's just certain beliefs that, you know, kind of go out of skew a little bit where you feel like the more material wealth you look like you have, the more spiritual you are because you have to name it and claim it and believe for these things. But when we're putting ourselves in debt, it doesn't do anything for you, physically or spiritually.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know what? Let's just be honest. Jesus never promised anything except his peace. Yeah. Yeah. My peace I give you. My peace to go through life with his peace, you know.

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Sharlene Licciardello: That passes understanding.

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Stephen Licciardello: That peace that passes are. That's not happening. Yeah. Absolutely. But we could have the peace that he is with us. And, yes, again, you know, what father doesn't wanna bless his children? And, again, it's about bringing balance and not condemning others if they're not at the level that you are. And I think that's also part of this toxic positivity that sometimes we can be quite judgmental to others.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Sad sadly.

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Stephen Licciardello: So Yeah. Quite judgmental and quite critical of others. But, again, like, everyone's on this journey of life at their own pace. So, you know, I'm never gonna run a marathon, but I'm not gonna feel condemned by the marathon runner. That ain't my calling, nor do I want it to be my calling. But I think if we're bringing balance back into the law of attraction, I think we need to realize, you know, what Proverbs says, or in Proverbs 16:3 says, commit to the lord whatever you do, and he will establish your prayers. And it's realizing that we can have goals, we can have areas of life that we wanna achieve more, but as we commit those areas to him, he's actually gonna establish them. Do you know what I mean? And sometimes, the establishing of those plans are not what we committed to him.

[00:27:56]

Stephen Licciardello: But, you know, I think if I remember correctly yesterday, in the sermon, one of the points that I wrote down that really spoke to me is on the other side of the journey, whatever we're going through in life, we're actually gonna be thanking him for more of the doors closed than the doors and. Realizing that those closed doors weren't there for us anyway. And we're actually going to cause more stress for us in the long term. So we need to be grateful for that and grateful for the closed doors.

[00:28:26]

Sharlene Licciardello: So what are some of our takeaways, Stephen?

[00:28:28]

Stephen Licciardello: I think the take away from this one is while positive thinking is powerful, it should replace realistic action and addressing the real problem. So avoiding the tricks of blaming yourself if your positive thinking isn't working away or working out the way you want it to work out.

[00:28:46]

Sharlene Licciardello: Stop blaming other people as well. Not everyone's at the same journey as you. You know, like, we're all at very different journeys, you know, and we can think, you know, we're in a good place right now and someone else is not in a good place, it doesn't mean that they're less spiritual or less positive. It's just that they're going through something at the moment. We're all going through different journeys at the moment, so we're not here to compare with each other.

[00:29:09]

Stephen Licciardello: So I think, Sharlene, looking at that, let's look at some tools on how we can actually balance positivity and authenticity. Yeah. Yeah. So let's look at some common phrases like just stay positive. It could be worse. You know? These can really

[00:29:26]

Sharlene Licciardello: Invalidate the real feelings. Right? It just makes you feel, oh, really? It's like, do my feelings don't count?

[00:29:32]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Or but are you saying this to yourself again? So and signs of this include, like, ignoring the problems. Yeah. You know, shaming others for expressing negativity.

[00:29:44]

Sharlene Licciardello: For shaming yourself for feeling that.

[00:29:45]

Stephen Licciardello: For feeling that way. You know? And for instance, if if we ignore the problem, it's only gonna get worse. It's going back to, you know, if we're believing for finances and believing for putting a positivity around for finances. But yet, we don't have a budget, or we don't make steps to invest, or we don't have a side hustle, or we're not doing things, that money ain't the stock isn't gonna bring the money. You know? Yeah. They usually bring babies. Yeah. So

[00:30:14]

Sharlene Licciardello: Like, they say money doesn't grow on trees.

[00:30:15]

Stephen Licciardello: Money doesn't grow on trees. What are some practical strategies, shall we?

[00:30:19]

Sharlene Licciardello: Oh my god. So things like allowing yourself the, and are words as well to express a full range of emotions. Don't try to hide them. Don't try to pretend that they don't exist. And using positive thinking to actually compliment, not replace genuine emotional expression. So, you know, it could be as simple as this. You know, if I'm feeling sad, I I could be feeling, you know, like, the is a sad moment right now. Like, I'm going through something pretty crappy.

[00:30:46]

Sharlene Licciardello: You know? It's probably not their most ideal situation, but I'm gonna be okay. With the support around me, you know, I'm gonna find the tools that I need.

[00:30:55]

Stephen Licciardello: And that's really what positive thinking is about, isn't it? It's finding the resources. Yeah.

[00:31:00]

Sharlene Licciardello: And be open to seeing not just the situation, but seeing the solutions around you that are available to you in the moment. The doesn't mean that you're just, you know, ignoring what's happening. You're not gonna ignore the the feelings that you have, but just recognizing that, addressing that, and knowing that, okay, the is just a moment. I'm feeling I'm having a feeling of sadness right now, but I'm gonna get through this.

[00:31:25]

Stephen Licciardello: You're a bit of an old soul, and you know random facts. You know that song for every 2 and and 2?

[00:31:32]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yes. What

[00:31:33]

Stephen Licciardello: what song is that?

[00:31:34]

Sharlene Licciardello: I think it's I've been when you would've

[00:31:36]

Stephen Licciardello: Well, we know that that's taken from Ecclesiastes 3 verse 3 verse Stephen the says, there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. And so we need to realize that sometimes when we're negative, sometimes when we're positive, there are seasons in life that will cause growth. There are seasons in life that will cause us pain. There are seasons in life that will cause us hardship. There are seasons in life that will cause us great joy and happiness. Realizing the season you're in and embracing the season you're in important and not placing meaning to those seasons, but allowing the season or allowing whatever you put your faith in to teach you the lessons through that season.

[00:32:20]

Sharlene Licciardello: Absolutely. You know, Steven, there's, one tool that I created many years ago, called the The App Minute. Look at the different seasons that we can grow in life. Then we have seasons of sunshine, like your things of happiness, excitement, all the really happy feelings. Then you look at the moments of and, moments of rainbows, and moments of pain. You know? And you've got all these different moments in our lives, all these seasons, and sometimes the interlap. Yeah. You know? And having that broad view, having that scene in front of you helps you to see that, yeah, sometimes, you know, I might have gone through a moment of grief and and a new, beautiful relationship, a new, beautiful friendship, right?

[00:33:04]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah, that's true.

[00:33:05]

Sharlene Licciardello: Experience all these amazing emotions through that grief. Yeah. So we can see that it's not always just all bad and it's not always just all good, but sometimes you have a lovely beautiful mix of emotions that come in in different seasons.

[00:33:19]

Stephen Licciardello: And so it's really strive for emotional honesty

[00:33:22]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

[00:33:23]

Stephen Licciardello: By acknowledging the positive and the negative. You know? And I love what I know you quote Carl Jung Vlagen. I know he's been a big part of your studies. And Carl Jung said, I'd rather be whole than good.

[00:33:34]

Sharlene Licciardello: I love that.

[00:33:35]

Stephen Licciardello: You know? And and I think being whole rather than good means embracing everything.

[00:33:42]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah.

[00:33:42]

Stephen Licciardello: The good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful. Yeah. So some practical tools, Sharlene. You mentioned journaling before. What are some other practical tools?

[00:33:51]

Sharlene Licciardello: I always like to bring mindfulness into it. So you're actually becoming aware of your emotions without putting meaning to it are judging what's happening in the moment. Things like prenatal therapy where you use that awareness to look at how you're behaving during those times. Look at what are the resources that you become and you tend to draw toward or the tendencies that you tend to lean towards, the little actions or little quirks that you have and seeing how is that linked to my emotions and how you can change that around by having a slight change in your wording, how you speak to yourself.

[00:34:32]

Stephen Licciardello: So it's about reframing.

[00:34:33]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. So reframing yourself.

[00:34:35]

Stephen Licciardello: And I think, you know, if I look at for me, though, I do journal a lot, and I try to be mindful. Sometimes it doesn't work with my ADHD brain, but we're working on that area. But for me, I love what first Peter says when it says cast all your anxiety are him because he cares for you. And so if we look at some of the takeaways, it's definitely mindfulness, generally, CBT therapy, which are all important in managing and self regulating. And and you're a big believer in in self care and self love, and you you've got some rituals, obviously, because you're working with clients during the day. Some sometimes your days can be quiet. And so you're working with clients throughout the day. So you've got a few things that you do.

[00:35:19]

Stephen Licciardello: Thank you.

[00:35:20]

Sharlene Licciardello: You're going to seek help, tools, and promote emotional well-being.

[00:35:23]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. So, which is so important.

[00:35:25]

Sharlene Licciardello: You know, there's a a monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, that says, feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor. And that that's one of the things I love working with clients around is helping them to see that our emotions are transient. They're not necessarily It's when we put those when we put meaning to something and judgments on it, it sucks our engines, takes away our joy. But it's when we just acknowledge it and just let it go. Just let it be. Just allow ourselves to feel that sadness. Allow ourselves to feel those feelings in the moment but not put meaning to it.

[00:36:04]

Sharlene Licciardello: Helps it. It can be are.

[00:36:06]

Stephen Licciardello: That's so good. Okay, Sharlene. So to recap, we spoke about what toxic positivity is and also a bit about toxic negativity and how they are both equally as damaging as each other.

[00:36:20]

Sharlene Licciardello: In Phys, if you look at it, you got and in toxic positivity where you're just pretending that everything is just good and rosy and not acknowledging what really is happening in the moment, and that sort of just puts a seal on it. It doesn't do anything. It just kind of puts it on the carpet, really, and keeps making it go up and up until someone sort of just opens the cope up, and everything goes flying everywhere. Right? Yeah. And you've got then toxic negativity where, you know, people are just instead of processing those feelings in a healthy way, they're just blaming everyone else and putting rather than processing it for themselves.

[00:36:55]

Stephen Licciardello: So the key is use tools in order to achieve your goals or achieve the positive thinking by acknowledging your emotions and not suppressing ignoring them and getting to the root cause and having a balanced approach to everything.

[00:37:11]

Sharlene Licciardello: Beautiful. Thank you for joining us on the Rewrite IS Story podcast.

[00:37:15]

Stephen Licciardello: We hope you found this episode enlightening.

[00:37:18]

Sharlene Licciardello: For more information on the topics discussed, please visit our website at Stephen.

[00:37:23]

Stephen Licciardello: Don't forget to subscribe to our podcast on your favorite platform. Share it with your friends and follow us on social media at stephenandsharlene.

[00:37:29]

Sharlene Licciardello: And till next time, stay informed and inspired.

[00:37:32]

Stephen Licciardello: This is steven and Sharlene signing off from the rewrite your story podcast. Thank you, and stay blessed.