[00:00:00]

Stephen Licciardello: We have Janelle Green all the way from Vancouver in Canada. You're a first generation Canadian, so you're gonna share the. But you're also a relationship marriage coach, and we're really excited to see what you can what gems of wisdom you can give us to strengthen people's message. So welcome.

[00:00:19]

Jeanell Greene : Oh, thank you.

[00:00:20]

Stephen Licciardello: Now, Janelle, tell us a little bit about you growing up in the Vancouver as a first generation immigrant, and what led to this journey of being a marriage coach?

[00:00:30]

Jeanell Greene : Well, I would necessarily told us how to be good people and how to live our lives, but showed us. They were true examples of that. And so at a very young age, I knew what I wanted and that I wanted to have something like that. My dad passed away at 53 in 2,002. I was 24, and he was sick. And I met a man that you know what? One of the things about being Filipino is there's this expectation and you hit about 16 that, okay, when are you gonna get married? And then as soon as that's done, when are you gonna have kids? It's like an ongoing thing. I'm 46, and I still get the when are you gonna have kids. And I'm like, hello? But that's just such a part of this culture.

[00:01:20]

Jeanell Greene : There's always been this expectation. And I think as a first generation Canadian, you know, our parents come and Canada to have a better life, to give us a better life. And as the eldest of 3, I think there's a lot of, I don't wanna say pressure, but definitely an expectation to be the best at everything. And so, you know, for the longest time, I was, you know, a straight a student. I was a good girl. I, started to compete in dance when I was 5 years old. I won 4 competitions by the time I was 6. I met the Queen when I was 6.

[00:01:54]

Jeanell Greene : I started playing classical piano when I was 7, taught piano. I've just always lived this very excel you know, just a very academic and very extraordinary life. And when I went through my when I met this man, this man who I first married, I was really afraid to be alone. And I think I jumped into this marriage with a lot of people, not for the right reasons. It was more about, I don't wanna be this old me because everybody's expecting me to get married and have kids, and here's the first guy that comes along that actually wants the same thing as me. Never and the details. Let's just do it, and we'll figure it out. Not having the real tough conversations beforehand, which I think a lot of people do, and then figuring out on the other side that, oh, crap, this isn't it.

[00:02:40]

Jeanell Greene : And so for us, you know, things were great up until pretty much we got married, came back from the And Moon. We actually went to Fiji. It was amazing. And it felt like the minute we came back to real life, everything changed. It was like I was just part of this checklist he had, and once he had checked that that box, he took his it's like he just checked out. Just took his foot off the gas and just totally just disconnected from me. And so there I was, you know, 25 year old newlywed, spent a lot of time alone. He stopped going to church with me, stopped hanging out with my family, stopped showering.

[00:03:18]

Jeanell Greene : And I felt really angry and duped and abandoned and, like, I'm Catholic, so we don't believe in divorce. And I had no intention of the. And here I was really considering ending this relationship. But of course, what was there was like, oh my And, what are my parents gonna say? What is my family? What are people gonna talk? You know, people gonna talk about me? And so I stuck it out for about 3 years. But in that time, I really lost myself. I lost my confidence. I lost my self worth. I gained £20.

[00:03:49]

Jeanell Greene : It was just not what I had dream dreamt my life would be. I became a very angry and bitter person, and I saw myself change in a way that I did not like or recognize. So what happened was I had a friend invite me to do a seminar, and it was really about transformative work and how do you transform every area of your life to have more power, freedom, and joy. So, I said to my husband at the time, I said, Okay, you and I need to go do this thing because you need to get fixed. You need to change. Otherwise, I don't know what's going to happen here. So he agreed to go, and But he spent the whole 3 days asleep, or at least mentally anyway, and just totally checked out. But I was really into this conversation, like, and all of a sudden, I saw that I had made up certain beliefs at age 9 that were running in the background the I didn't even know was running.

[00:04:43]

Jeanell Greene : And what had happened my mom was only, I think, 30. I was 9, my sister was 6, and my My mom was only, I think, 30. I was 9, my sister was 6, and my brother was 3. And I'm gonna get emotional. Standing at that window watching my dad leave, I realized that I decided that, first of all, I'm unlovable, because I'm a daddy's girl. So if he's gonna leave, that must mean he doesn't love me, and that I can't trust people because they're gonna leave. And so as I, you know, fast forward into my current situation, I was like, well, no wonder I attracted the kind of men that I was attracting into my life, including my new husband, because I didn't actually feel worthy. If I believe that everyone's gonna leave anyway, why would I attract, like, a good guy? I'm just gonna attract whoever is willing to take me and hope for the best.

[00:05:36]

Jeanell Greene : And that's really when my transformative journey started. And so, at the end of the seminar, I started to really look within and get responsible for my behavior to him because I was mean. I was mean. I was angry. I was bitter. Right? All you did this to me. How could you dupe me? Like, I felt like I was like, it was like a scam. Like, it was like this mask that came off, and it was like, surprise.

[00:05:59]

Jeanell Greene : And I I got to the point where I was able just to look at him and say, you know what? I'm so sorry behaving the way I've been behaving. You're actually really great the way you are. You don't need to change. It doesn't work for me, and I'd like to end this relationship. And so this at the end of the story is that we go to the divorce court, the law courts together. We sign the paperwork side by side, hosts us $80 because we didn't have kids or property or anything like that. It was really simple. We went out for dinner, and after, he dropped me off at my house.

[00:06:36]

Jeanell Greene : And before I got out of the car, I gave him a kiss on the cheek and I said, Good luck. And that was it. So then that was a huge miracle, because it was not getting go that way in the beginning. And then I really had to start looking at myself and really get responsible for my decision as a Catholic. And that was a really hard and, because I knew it would break my mom's are, but I had to really choose in that moment. Am I here to make to appease others and to avoid looking back, or am I here to be happy? Because at the end of the day, when we go to when we close our eyes for the last time, what is gonna be the last thought we have? Right? And so I I made that decision, and unfortunately, you know, my mom was very upset with me. Are, we didn't really have a relationship for about 2 years because of it. She was just so heartbroken.

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Jeanell Greene : And, you know, the one thing I can get responsible for is I never told anybody what was going on. It was a secret. It was a dirt my dirty little secret. And so when it all came out, it was like, what? So my mom was really upset with me. But I knew that when she, you know, first of all, understood what actually happened and who he actually was, And then, you know, and at around the same time, I had met my husband now, so quite quickly on. Now, quick backstory. My husband, I actually knew my husband way before I had met my my husband husband, but we were friends, we were coworkers, so he was always in my life, but our relationship started to evolve when our business relationship became a and, and he became my safe space, because he lived on the other side of the country. I didn't even know what he looked like, and he was just this great listener, this empathic listener who just allowed me to be me and just barf out all my stuff.

[00:08:21]

Jeanell Greene : And so my mom was really upset about that too. She was like, well, you need to wait a year after your divorce to get into another relationship. And I said, but why? She's like, well, you need to mourn. I said, mourn what? You know, I was married 3 years too long. Like, I am ready to live the life I actually want to live. I am not going to put my life on hold because it looks bad. And, listen, I mean, did I want it to go that way? No. But that was the choice I had to make.

[00:08:50]

Jeanell Greene : Right? Put my life on hold just because of the logistics and to look good and not have people talking about me like, oh. But, that was a really bold move, and I'm glad I did. And now, my mom and my husband have the most amazing relationship. They always, I love you before and after they see each other. She calls him Huggy Bear. And calls him more than she calls me, so my my husband will be like, oh, your mom invited us for dinner. And I'm looking at my phone like, my mom didn't call me. But she just loves him, and she talks about him with such pride, because he treats me like a princess.

[00:09:23]

Jeanell Greene : So, yeah. So that's really what started the transformation. And then, at the time, I was working in corporate. I was, winning trips. I actually had just won a trip to Bermuda, and then the year after that, I won a trip to Rome. And even with all of these amazing things happening, there was this part of me that just felt really unfulfilled. And so 5 days after I come home from Rome, after this full expense paid trip with money and gifts, a trip to the Vatican, like all of it. Getting on stage, accepting the award in front of 500 people, it was amazing.

[00:09:59]

Jeanell Greene : And I quit my job after 5 days getting home. And, of course, my boss and everybody else was like, are you crazy? You are at the top of the food chain. You're making crazy amount of money. Why would you leave? And I'm like, I get it. I get that nobody else would understand it because for them, that comfort and security is more important. But there was just something in my soul that was, like, so restless and feeling like I was only using 5% of my capacity. And the question for me, as I was sort of coming into turning 40, was like, well, what if I could do something that was like a 100% me? Like, how powerful could I actually be, and what kind of difference could I make? And I remember sitting on the couch, and it was, I think, 2 months before my 40th birthday, and I was just kind of reflecting on the the 40 years of my life, my accomplishments, who I met, all these, like, amazing opportunities and going, okay, that was really great. But if I were to die right now and I was at the pearly gates of heaven and Saint Peter said to me, Janelle, what did you do with your life? There was nothing that I could really be proud of.

[00:11:06]

Jeanell Greene : Sure, you know, I helped 6 of my cousins in the Philippines go through university and college and transform the poverty level within my family and the generational cycle, sure, but there was nothing that was, like, so from my love, from my essence. Right? And so the I was went on this journey of just asking myself, if I could do life all over again, what would that look like? If it wasn't about money and if it was just about finding meaning in my life that was so authentic to only me, what would that be? And so I hired a coach, and what I discovered is I wanted to coach. Then the question was, well, what do I wanna coach on? And people used to say to me, well, Janelle, what is it that you love talking about, Or what is it that people wanna know from you? What what's that automatic question that people go, Janelle, tell me this. And I'm like, oh, that's easy. People wanna know how the heck do you and your husband stay so in love, you know, and we're just in such harmony all the time. Like, I can't even remember the last time we had an argument, like a fight. I'm gonna say it's probably been about 5 years, because our communication and our respect and our commitment to keeping the safe space between us has been such a priority the our relationship is really easy. Yes, we have to maintain it and nurture it, but it's actually quite easy.

[00:12:23]

Jeanell Greene : And so, I've just built this amazing business that is beyond that clinical counseling therapist that people are used to and really bringing my heart, my soul, my love, my commitment for family, my own experiences, my own trauma. And I feel like it's part of me healing myself every time a client completes their transformation with me. And, you know, if I were to, if you were to ask me, like, what is my big why? My big why is that families, units are falling apart. They're disappearing. And we are creating a generation of children that are afraid of love, afraid of having children, afraid of getting married because of what they see at home, and the lack of tools and role models they have in their life. And, you know, you guys, you know, we were talking about, about not being able to have kids, right? And so I see this as my opportunity to influence future generations, to influence children, but more importantly, starting with the parents for them to heal their trauma so that they don't pass it on to their children.

[00:13:32]

Sharlene Licciardello: So, I'm about that. Who would you say Janelle is your hero when all the, like you've had quite a big story are. So, like, who do you look to for inspiration?

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Jeanell Greene : First of all, my mom. So one thing about my mom is my dad actually came back 3 years later and asked for forgiveness. He was dying, and he couldn't work anymore, and my mom was on earth, and he asked for her forgiveness and to come home, and she said yes. And she literally put everything aside, all her anger and feelings of betrayal, to save the the, and, you know, and I when I asked her why did she do it, she said, I did it for you guys. I wanted my kids to have a dad, And what was so beautiful was after my dad had his operation, he had a kidney transplant. He was a better father, a better husband. He, you know, he ended up becoming a stay at home dad. And so we really got to heal as a family.

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Jeanell Greene : And when he passed at 53, you know, we were with him to love him and support him as he transitioned. And, yeah, I thought, you know, okay, great. We found our way back to each other. No more trauma. Wrong. So as I go into these relationships, I'm realizing that that little 9 year old still hadn't healed, and I didn't know why or why I felt like I felt stuck. And then in doing the work, I realized, oh, because I've had this program, this belief, this almost tape recorder that's been running in the background that I didn't even know was running. So I had to do the work to actually deal with that, address it, heal it so that I could be open to attracting a new partner that was good for me.

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Jeanell Greene : And that's what I did. So I would say my mom, I would say the Dalai Lama, and I'm gonna say Desmond Tutu. And the reason I say this is there's a new Netflix show called Mission Joy. Have you guys seen that? No. It's so good. Mission Joy, how to find happiness in uncertain times. And they really talk about compassion and forgiveness, and I'm like, yes, this is what I'm all about. And so those, I would say, my top three right now.

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Stephen Licciardello: Awesome. Thank you for sharing. You alluded to something before, and, you know, I'm just a really curious person. You said you met the queen?

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Jeanell Greene : Yes, I did. I met the Queen when I was 5 or 6 years old. So my mom works at the University of British Columbia. So it's a university as well as a hospital. And at that time, they had just opened a new wing, and so the Queen was gonna come to cut the ribbon. And so when I found this out, I was so excited, right? I had just gotten to dance and I'm learning how to curtsy. So of course, she's the epitome of the curtsying industry, if you will. And so I was so excited.

[00:16:07]

Jeanell Greene : Oh my god, I get to curtsy. And so on the way to to go and watch her, I said, Mom, you need to stop and get some flowers. So I'd seen on TV all these kids, right, giving flowers. So I'm like, I'm gonna do that too. Like, why not me? And of course, my mom's like, yeah, right. So what did she but she wanted to shut me up because I wouldn't let it go. So my mom's like, okay. So she runs to the grocery store, grabs like the cheapest thing she could find.

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Jeanell Greene : It was like a bunch of daisies. It's probably costed her like $2. And so are we go, we go down there. And so she was gonna walk down this corridor, and so they had tied up yellow rope. And they said, you know, to the parents, keep your children back. You know, there's a lot of security. And but for me, I'm sick, so this rope, I can't it's not even in my view, right? It's above my head. So finally comes, she's coming down, and you can hear the crowd, like, right, screaming.

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Jeanell Greene : And I'm like 3 people back. Like, this is a huge car, and I'm 6. I'm tiny. Right? And so I'm screaming and, like, waving my flowers like everybody else, and I could see the feet. Right? Come so little. I could see the feet going by, and I remember having this thought, like, but it's just me, baby. I'm not gonna give her my flowers. So I remember having this thought like, okay, I could just let this go, because that was the first thought.

[00:17:23]

Jeanell Greene : Janelle, it's fine. Just let it go. But then there's a little voice in me that's like, no, I will never ever get this chance ever again. So I made this decision to run after her down the corridor. Yeah. Of course, she's got an entourage of at least 30 people, including cops. And so all of a sudden, there's chaos and there's people trying to chase me down because I'm running after her. So anyway, she she hears what's going on.

[00:17:48]

Jeanell Greene : She turns around, and she sees me, and then she kinda, like, waves everybody off. And then she comes back to me, to my place right in front of my parents, and she says, hello, dear. The these flowers for me? And I said, yes, your majesty. And I gave her the flowers, and I did my curtsy, and that's when the when the are was taken. So the next day and, of course, there's my mom with her camera just totally and, couldn't take a photo. Right? Anyway, so the next day, someone tells my mom, hey, your daughter's on the front page of the newspaper. So my mom's like, what? She sees it, and there's this write up about my story and how I chased her and all of it. And so she went and bought as many copies as possible and cut them out and sent them to all her friends.

[00:18:32]

Jeanell Greene : And then we somehow got in touch with the photographer and got a copy of several of the photos he took of us. And I actually have a blown up copy behind me in my office to remind myself of who I truly am, this fearless, badass little girl who is, like, relentless. Because there's, once, you know, as adults, we start to get really reasonable, right? And so I'm like, no. That's who I need to be, to be the kind of person that's gonna make the difference that I wanna make in the world.

[00:19:04]

Sharlene Licciardello: Yeah. Awesome.

[00:19:05]

Stephen Licciardello: Thank you for sharing the.

[00:19:06]

Sharlene Licciardello: That's so amazing. Janelle, like, with everything that's gone on recently, do you feel that that 6 year old would be proud of you today?

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Jeanell Greene : A 100%. A 100%.

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Stephen Licciardello: Janelle, let's go back to what you do now and and how you help couples. Working with so many couples, where do you see breakdown first starts? Like, what would be the first step to identify, okay, this is where the breakdowns usually are. And I know it's going to be different for everyone, but in your work, what have you identified as being some of the biggest breakdowns in relationship and where they start?

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Jeanell Greene : So many. The first thing I would think about are I think of is the lack of friendship. There's no basis of that. So, you know, they fall in love and, like, have really great passionate sex, but then as soon as something, then the fantasy, the obsession, the love story are to kind of we get back into reality. We start having kids. We have bills and all this stuff. We are falling out of love because we don't have that friendship. And so it's like a house of cards that you just blow on it, and it falls apart.

[00:20:09]

Jeanell Greene : And life is really stressful for a lot of reasons for a lot of people. So I think that's one of the things. I think the second thing is that we were never taught how to communicate in a respectful and loving way. And we can read as many books as we want, but when we're in the thick of it, right, when we're triggered, when we don't feel like we're being listened to, when we're being feeling attacked, none of that matters. And so that's why the inner work is so important to realize, okay, what's really going on? Because it is not necessarily the partner whose fault it is. The source of the issue is when I was 9 years old, right? So, you've got to be able to see the correlation of like, Okay, why is this person triggering me right now? And how much of this is them and how much of this is actually my unhealed wounds, my childhood wounds coming up based on, a lot of times, our relationship with our parents or lack thereof. So, and I think self love is something that we, we're never really taught. I think lately it's been coming up as more of a, you know, an issue and a topic of conversation.

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Jeanell Greene : But in the past, you know, when you talk about self love, it's like, what does that mean? What does it mean to love yourself? And I think also going back to childhood, we were programmed to just please people. Am I doing right? Am I a good girl? Right? But when you're an adult, actually it doesn't work because then you start just trying to do everything that everyone else you think everybody else wants from you, and then they don't show you the same appreciation or validation, and then you get upset because you have expectations. But those are your expectations. Those aren't other people's expectations. And if you don't communicate and get agreement of the expectation, and then that person doesn't behave or react the way you expect, now you're going to hold it against them and you're going to start to close your heart and start to make up stories. And if you don't have the communication tools to say, Hey, you know what? I just thought, you know, when you did that thing, I got really triggered, and I'm going to go and work on that. And instead, you just freak out how you get passive aggressive, check out whatever it is that people do cry, scream. They just don't know what to do, and that gets really personal.

[00:22:21]

Jeanell Greene : And so I think one of the things I teach my clients is consider that whatever your partner is doing has very little to do with you. You're just the trigger, and you just gotta give them compassion and love and patience, And you can only do that when you love yourself. When you know, like my ex husband called me a horrible person, and I had the choice. Do I believe him are not? And I'm like, hey, you know what? Fair enough. I can see why you would think that about me, and I'm not gonna take that and absorb that as truth.

[00:22:50]

Stephen Licciardello: That's a really good point and setting boundaries. You know, I love that you said the lack of friendship first rather than, you know, whereas most people would say the lack of communication, and I think friendship is is so important.

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Sharlene Licciardello: Well, when you're friends, you communicate, aren't you? All you wanna do is talk to the other person and share your thoughts and feelings.

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Jeanell Greene : Yeah. My husband's a very sensitive man. So empathic, so thoughtful, very sensitive, very vulnerable man. And, you know, I have to be able to really just give him the space to be that, to not make him wrong, to not make him feel shameful for the experience that he has because I think a lot of men feel that way, that they're not supposed to like, having emotions is a bad thing. It makes you human. And so I feel like the first, my number one job, if anything, is to let people know that they're perfect just the way they are, and that they're not alone, and that it's okay, and that we cannot heal what we don't feel. And I think that the fact that we create this, especially with women, we're telling women to also suck it up and to not have emotions. I believe that's why depression, suicide, emotional mental disorders exist is because we're not encouraged to be ourselves.

[00:24:09]

Jeanell Greene : We have to be this perfect human being, and it's it's just not it's not productive.

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Stephen Licciardello: You know, Janelle, is there a time or any person, couples that you've worked with where you thought, you know what? This is unsalvageable.

[00:24:23]

Jeanell Greene : Yes. But for not not for the reasons you think.

[00:24:26]

Sharlene Licciardello: A lot

[00:24:26]

Jeanell Greene : of times people ask me that. That's the question. Can the save this marriage? And I said, anyone who's committed to their marriage can save their marriage. But here's the thing. A lot of people aren't willing to do the work because they think the problem is out there with the other person. So they're waiting for the other person to change. But that's not where the work is. The work is your cell.

[00:24:47]

Jeanell Greene : You can't change anybody. So the people that I say they can't, I can't say, There is one situation that I'm just like, I don't know how you get around that, and that is around sex. To have someone who's high, you know, high sex drive needs affection and, you some people wanna have sex every day. But they're married to someone who has sexual trauma, who doesn't wanna who doesn't express love in that way, who doesn't wanna show it, doesn't want it to give it, like, doesn't wanna accept it that way. And I'm like, how how did you guys even get together? I think that's one of the ones that are really, really hard to to overcome. But even the, I think, is salvageable, because at the end of the day, what people really want is connection. It might not actually be about the sex, and sometimes, the need for sex is actually due to an emotional wound, again, from childhood. So not to say it's impossible, but I feel like that's the one that's really are, and then the second one would be people who are just not willing to look within.

[00:25:43]

Jeanell Greene : Like I had one person who said to me, Janelle, what does self love have anything to do with relationships? I'm like, what? He and he was, like, mad at me. He's like, just tell me the just tell me the answer. Like, even if I told him the answer, it wouldn't work because you don't love yourself. So why would anybody wanna be with you? Your energy is funky. You don't love yourself. I wouldn't wanna be around you. I wouldn't wanna be around someone who doesn't love themselves. But he was, like, mad at me.

[00:26:10]

Jeanell Greene : And I'm like, Okay. You know what? You think you know better than me, you go do you. Right? But you came to me for help. I'm telling you the answer. I have the proof that this works, that I know what I'm talking about, and you don't wanna listen. So, okay, save your save my time, save your money, go do you, whatever that looks like.

[00:26:27]

Stephen Licciardello: Yeah. Yeah. And it's so important. Like, if you're not willing to do the work, why spend the money?

[00:26:31]

Jeanell Greene : And don't waste my time. I got better things to do.

[00:26:34]

Stephen Licciardello: What are some things that couples can do just to bring that spark back in, to bring that friendship back in? Like, how do you reset a marriage?

[00:26:42]

Jeanell Greene : You actually have to be willing to let go of the past. Otherwise, you're gonna just keep carrying that almost baggage. You know, the way the analogy I like to use is like, you gotta build a new house, but you gotta tear down the fur the old one first. And a lot of people are unwilling to tear down the old one because they feel so righteous, and they're unwilling to be responsible for their part. And not like it's their fault, but we were just programmed like that to be so defensive, to just worry about survival. But here's the news flash. There's no way that you can get to love and joy and connection and all that ooey gooeyness from survival, from fear, from protecting your heart. No.

[00:27:25]

Jeanell Greene : And that's what everyone's trying to do. They're trying to they're focusing on what they don't want so so they don't get hurt or rejected, instead of focusing on who do I need to be to be the kind of person that is gonna have this kind of relationship that I want, even though it's so far from where I am right now? Absolutely.

[00:27:43]

Sharlene Licciardello: I feel like so many people feel that they're stuck in the current identity and who they have become, that they're not willing to reexamine that and think, well, what am I willing to do to change? I feel like if they change, you're not who they are anymore. But, you know, it's we're not static. We're not, you know, just concrete people. We're just growing and we're evolving, right? So Yeah. It doesn't matter

[00:28:08]

Jeanell Greene : if we change. I think one of the greatest fears that I've seen is that we're actually so afraid to be Sharlene. And so we would rather sacrifice our values, our boundaries, you know, so that we don't upset other people, so we don't look bad. Like, just to me, I just roll my eyes. If you're if you're listening to I'm just rolling my eyes because I'm like, I have a client like that right now, actually. He's, he's a lawyer, and he's had a great life. And his wife is a lawyer as well. The both have a great life.

[00:28:39]

Jeanell Greene : Like, there's nothing wrong with the relationship, but there's no passion. There's no the. And he's, you know, feeling really torn about it because you know, for a lot of reasons. Right, baby? Kids, they've got everything. On the outside, they look like the perfect couple. Right? But there's just something within him that he's like, I don't know what it is. I just can't I can't do this. And, you know, he's really creating, you know, he's about to retire, and he's creating this future for himself.

[00:29:07]

Jeanell Greene : And, you know, he's just he's really working on guilt stuff because he's like, I wanna be happy, but yet I feel like if I leave, I'm just gonna create such a mess and my family, our friends. Like, we're gonna lose our friends. And he's really torn, and I get it. But I said, it's your choice. But at the end of the day, what kind of life is that when you're only half living and you're doing it more to not hurt other people rather than doing it for your own happiness. So a lot of my clients are kind of in that space where they're really, really grappling with who they think the should be versus what their heart is saying to them.

[00:29:47]

Stephen Licciardello: It's really good. Janelle, earlier, you were mentioning, you know, the guilt over over your religious beliefs and growing up and and and things like that when you got divorced? Have you felt What role does those type of beliefs that have in a marriage, like religious you have couples that have religious trauma, for instance, and things like the. You know? And I wanna clarify, like, we're Christians and believe in God, but religious trauma's got nothing to do with that. It's got to do with people and men and and

[00:30:16]

Jeanell Greene : Putting rules.

[00:30:17]

Stephen Licciardello: Putting and judgment within those constitutions. So how do you you what advice would you give to that type of couple?

[00:30:25]

Jeanell Greene : Yeah. As you can imagine, I went through that too. Right? Like, you know, we all wanna be good people. You know? And us us folks wanna get to heaven. And there's a fear of like, okay. If I make this choice, what is that gonna mean for my soul, for all that? And so I really grappled with that. And first of all, I just got really clear that I need to be happy. And if our God is a living God are a loving God, why would he want me to be unhappy with this person who my ex husband was abusive.

[00:30:55]

Jeanell Greene : Why would he actually choose that for me? And then I met Mike, my husband. And he was like, this is love. This is what I really want. And he goes to church with me. We both you know, he's he's a guitarist. I'm a singer. We livestream every weekend. He's my co pilot in the music ministry.

[00:31:12]

Jeanell Greene : You know, we just have such a great life. And, but I, you know, I talked to my priest, and I'm like, here's what I'm dealing with. Here's what I'm grappling with. And he just reaffirmed. She's like, God loves you. Like, he's not gonna judge you. And I think, you know, I think things have evolved since we were kids.

[00:31:28]

Stephen Licciardello: And I

[00:31:28]

Jeanell Greene : think there's very much a fear into it. But I think recently, it's changed. And luckily, we have a priest that is actually quite young. I think he's about my age. And so he, you know, he just said, no, it's okay. And so I have just done the work to heal that, and I feel like that's part of why my mission is not, yeah, of course, it's about God. That's not for me, but I can coach people on relationships, whether they're atheist, agnostic, Catholic, Mennonite, whatever, because my, if you want to call it my religion for my business, is love. That's the global language that we can all understand.

[00:32:05]

Jeanell Greene : And so I come from that place of love, no judgment, compassion, forgiveness, and family.

[00:32:12]

Stephen Licciardello: Awesome. That is beautiful.

[00:32:14]

Sharlene Licciardello: There's a saying before we go into final questions that, we often see things as we are rather than what they are. Like, we don't see a situation as it is we see it as we are. What kind of advice would you give to someone who wants to learn how to become more aware and self aware of that?

[00:32:32]

Jeanell Greene : It's hard to be honest with ourselves, especially when social media, when our family, when our culture says something else. And I think we just need to have enough self love to admit that we're not perfect, to admit that we sometimes don't love ourselves and that we we sometimes feel broken. Just getting really, Yeah. Very honest. And I think that's you know, but again, our defense mechanisms are up the. I'm like, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. No, it's a good, you know? It's someone else's fault.

[00:33:02]

Jeanell Greene : But I think we all eventually get to the point where we know we're bullshitting ourselves. And it's such a pattern that we know. Even if we don't know why, we know the pattern. And then the choice is, am I gonna do something about it and lean into it, or am I gonna use that as an excuse to basically close my heart off and try to live this life where I don't need anybody, is what they say. But, again, we're we're in this this loneliness epidemic, and, something's gotta give. So that's why I'm here.

[00:33:38]

Sharlene Licciardello: Thank you so much, Janelle.

[00:33:39]

Stephen Licciardello: Janelle, yeah, it's really interesting because Charlene and I facilitate what we call death cafes to normalize the discussion around death and dying. And where we live is trying to build what they call compassionate communities so that people within the community are looking after other people rather than relying on healthcare systems. And one of the things that we talk about is the epidemic of loneliness and that loneliness affects more people and causes more deaths than anything, but it's the unspoken epidemic.

[00:34:13]

Jeanell Greene : Mhmm.

[00:34:14]

Stephen Licciardello: So thank you for bringing that out.

[00:34:15]

Jeanell Greene : Yeah. Absolutely. You're welcome.

[00:34:18]

Sharlene Licciardello: Janelle, if someone was to say they wanted to start their life, rewrite their stories today, what kind of advice could

[00:34:24]

Jeanell Greene : you give them? Yeah. Rewrite the actually, go and rewrite the story. Like, do the work. Do the journaling. Go do the digging and the looking. Like, that's really what I did is I just sat down with a piece of paper and created, like, what is the life I want? Here's the thing that I notice. When people come on to a consult with me, they when I talk about when we talk about challenges, what doesn't work, man, they could talk for hours about what doesn't work. So then I go, okay.

[00:34:52]

Jeanell Greene : Got it. I got what doesn't work. I got the challenge. So let me ask you, what is it that you want? And they look at me, look at him 2 heads. Like, what do you mean? What is it that you want? And the answer I get, like, 90% of the time is never thought about it. So no wonder you are not happy because you don't even know what that means. You don't even know what that looks like. You're just so focused on all the things that don't work and resisting it.

[00:35:17]

Jeanell Greene : I have this saying, and it goes like the. Pain and suffering only hosts when you resist what is so. So I'll say that again. Pain and suffering only exist when you resist what is so. So it's like when we have it like, life shouldn't be this way, my body shouldn't be this way, my finances, my husband, my kids, like, there's all this resistance. That's why we're so tired. There's so much energy in the fight. But when we could actually just be, hey, you know what? I am who I am.

[00:35:50]

Jeanell Greene : My kids are the way they are. My finances are the way they are. And it's it's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. Now we can create space for joy and connection and love and all these things that we want.

[00:36:02]

Sharlene Licciardello: That's so good. Thank you so much, Janelle. And if you were to go back now and rewrite your life story, what would that look like?

[00:36:09]

Jeanell Greene : I don't think I could because, and I think this was the other lesson that I really got this year, is that every challenge is a lesson, is an opportunity to grow. It is the breadcrumbs. And I think what makes me so different is, you know, people get that I I come with no judgment. And when they can come and admit the things that they have been unable to admit to themselves, the are of themselves they don't love, I actually celebrate that with them. So it's not like this, oh, you're a bad boy or a bad girl. It's like, yes, yes, good for you. What else? Let's keep digging. And so I encourage the.

[00:36:44]

Jeanell Greene : And so I create this positive environment where they're, like, eager to look. They're excited to look because they know on the other side of that is everything else that they want. And that's why the transformation happens so fast. So when people go, how, Janelle, can you transform a family or a a failed marriage in 90 days? It's because I don't focus on what's wrong. I focus on what do you want. And then we deal with the work, dealing with everything that gets in the way of that. Yeah. That's amazing.

[00:37:16]

Stephen Licciardello: Lynelle, thank you so much for joining us today. It's been a real pleasure having you on the show and you sharing all your wisdom. Now, if you wanna know more about Janelle, you can go on her website, janellegreen.com. And you can also book a free consultation where you can just do a little mini audit of your relationships, your marriage, and have a chat with, Janelle, and it's totally free. And we'll also have those links on the show notes. So thank you once again, Janelle.

[00:37:39]

Jeanell Greene : Thank you, Janelle. You're welcome. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.